I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
