Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize