And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
