we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
babies were throwing up all over the place
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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