now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
