The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
