I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
