You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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