You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize