??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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