After last night, I could never be a politician.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
