God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
