Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
