I'm lost and stupid without you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
