it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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