Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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