the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
