I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
