I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
