Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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