He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
