Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
