Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
