i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
