We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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