I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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