I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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