I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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