fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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