the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
