I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
