I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
