I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
