He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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