So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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