I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
