So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
