Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
