Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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