Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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