Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
