So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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