i just had sex bonerless
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
