So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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