There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
