I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
