That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and she was petting her beer can
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize