i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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