I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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