Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
