I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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