he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
