So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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