will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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