I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
