I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
did i walk over a car last night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize