I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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