Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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